The top ten things I've learnt by 30.
Last week I turned 30, which to me feels like a bit of a milestone in the journey of life!
To celebrate this milestone and to offer something to you all, I wanted to share some of the reflections I’ve had, and some of the lessons I’ve learned over the last 30 years.
This post initially began as ‘30 things I learnt by 30’, and it ended up becoming more like a book than a blog post! Therefor I decided to cut it down to the Top Ten, and i’ll share the other twenty through future blog posts. Anyway, without further hesitation, let’s get into it!
Seek Support, and then welcome it with open arms.
At various times throughout my life, I felt like I need to ‘do it all alone.’ This need for independence came out of either having been hurt by someone, or feeling like I needed to prove myself. However, if I’m truly honest with myself, all of the best experiences I’ve had have been shared, and much of what I have achieved wouldn’t have had happened had it not been for support from, or collaboration with others. Also, I’d have likely avoided a lot of pain had I chosen to welcome more support from people that wanted to be there for me.
Human connection is now at the forefront of my day to day life, and that decision was an intentional one when I realised how important supporting and being in service to others was to me, and how much of a positive impact receiving this from others has had on my life. So I’ll keep this first lesson short and sweet: Stay open, collaborate, accept and seek support from those around you. Welcome it with open arms.
2. Align your life with your values.
I spent parts of my life telling myself I should do certain things because of how it would be seen by others. I regarded external opinion or validation more highly than my own values, despite knowing deep down what would make me happiest, and what would be most fulfilling for me. In hindsight, what was most interesting about this, is that the people most important to me had no expectations at all, they only wanted me to be happy. It was all a fabrication in my mind - just my perception.
As you can imagine - this resulted either in a lack of fulfilment, or a feeling of inauthenticity.
I remember one of the earlier decisions to do what I knew was right for me, and it was a decision that aligned strongly with my values at the time. Through that experience, I met some incredible people that are still some of my best friends to this day. This was when I began to better understand that when you align yourself with your values, you’re more likely to be surrounded by people that share and support similar values. You start to become part of a community of people that share a similar outlook on life. This can lead to an incredibly supportive environment, one where everyone is championing you with your aspirations, and vice versa.
When you’re able to truly align yourself and your life to your values, you are then fully stepping into a space of ownership and being more authentic. From this place your outlook begins to broaden, you feel more happy and fulfilled, you start inviting more of what Is right for you into your life, and people, possibilities and opportunities you’d didn’t even know existed start to make themselves known to you.
3. Your body keeps the score - so pay attention.
There was a time that I now reflect back on as a period of many lessons. It’s fondly know as the debt year, or the year of dishevelled Dan.
I was burning the candle from all angles, and constantly turning a blind eye to all the signals that were telling me that I wouldn’t be able to keep this up - stress, overwhelm, anxiety, depression and a constant feeling fatigue from physical & mental exhaustion.
It wasn’t long until my body started sending me signals - and these ones couldn’t be ignored. Multiple trips to the doctors didn’t provide answers or solutions to the problem, and it resulted in bouts of unexplainable chronic pain that weer on and off for the best part of 6 months.
As I started to listen to my body, what I realised was that the the pain I experienced seemed to coincide with the more stressful days / weeks. The days or weeks where I should have been taking my foot off of the peddle, when instead I went peddle to metal.
As I started to listen to my body, and started to create more time for wellbeing, recover and health - the pain would subside.
So the lesson I’d like to share with you here is as follows:
Your body always keeps the score. Just because you are choosing to mentally ignore the stress that you are putting your body / system under, it doesn’t mean that your body and system isn’t experiencing it, and everything has its limits. Listen to the early signals, and pay attention to the early red flags. Otherwise, sooner or later, your body will make it self known to you in ways that you won’t be able to ignore.
4. It’s not always about them, often it’s more likely about you.
It is easy to place focus on the parts or aspects of others that we aren’t so fond of - the things that irritate or annoy us. Then in our frustration, we criticise them or those parts of them, in the hope that they will change or fix this aspect of themselves. We make what we find frustrating, their problem.
Over the years I’ve had coaches and mentors reflect the same lesson to me at different points throughout my life, and they always raised similar questions. It’s only been in the latter years of my life so far, that their words have truly begun to land.
The sorts of questions they asked me were as follows:
“Whats your responsibility with this frustration?”
“What in you is triggered by this?”
“What aspect of yourself is this mirroring back to you? What do you find most challenging about that?”
“If this is something that irritates you, why do they need to be the person to do the work?”
Of course, this doesn’t speak to all situations or occasions. There may well be things that are in fact the responsibility of the other person. However, these questions (or ones similar) present an opportunity in shifting perspective, and an opportunity for growth and development.
So next time you find yourself criticising or trying to fix someone, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself - “is this is about them, or is this about me?”
5. Bring out the best of people.
Throughout my life, I have always been a curious and inquisitive person. I’ve always loved meeting new people, and getting to know the person that they are.
I love to hear about the things that they love - the things that really light them up.
I learnt early on, that when we truly see someone, and we take the time to listen to, and acknowledge the person that they really are - it brings out the best in them. When we are able to bring the best in someone, we create the potential to positively impact their day, their week, their year, or even their life.
One conversation can change everything. The ripple effect can be exponential.
So, the key things to remember here are:
Spend more time listening, and being inquisitive. Spend less time talking or telling people about you - you’ll get your chance. Seek to be impressed, rather than impress.
Find out what that person loves. Find out what that person is passionate about. Find out what that person really really cares about.
6. Invest in yourself.
In my opinion, the best investment that you could possibly make, is in yourself! This is why I whole heartedly believe that everyone should do the following; Move, meditate, breathe, find a mentor / coach / therapist (or all three!), and take the time to read, study or learn.
If as individuals we truly wish to get the best out of your lives, then we must recognise that our health, happiness, growth and development should be a top priority, and also that is our own responsibility.
When I first received support in going through this process - I realised just how much of a game changer it was.
Since working with my first coach when I was roughly 24, I’ve consistently worked either with a coach, a mentor, or a therapist or a combination of them all. After experiencing the life changing impact of it the first time around, it felt like the best decision I could make - to continue investing in myself, my health, my wellbeing and my development.
A lot of self development can be done alone. However, having someone to help you through the journey enables you to see all the things that you are blind to on your own. They help you see what you can’t see, and they help you work through the work you can’t do alone.
As one of my coaches once said to me “trying to coach yourself, is like trying to see your own eye without a mirror.”
Regarding the work you can do yourself - this is where all the other practices I mentioned come into play.
Make time for daily movement - it doesn’t matter what form of movement it is, as long as you move. We only get one body, and what a waste it would be not to feel as healthy, agile, confident, connected and free within that body for the short time that you are here on this planet.
Meditate and reflect - make time to sit, breathe, and be. Self understanding is part of the antidote for many of the struggles we experience.
Read more - the words, thoughts, musings, and teachings of the worlds best thinkers, creators, and experts are at the tips of our fingers, and all for nominal fees. Why would not want to learn, think or understand the perspectives of some of histories greats?!
So I finish by saying this - Be willing to invest in yourself.
Be willing to put in the work on yourself - the rewards are astronomical.
7. Connect and spend as much time as you can with your loved ones.
When I first started my own business, I had grand aspirations to see as much of the world as I possibly could through work.
I was fortunate in that my aspiration became a reality.
I taught trainings, workshops and retreats all around the world. Needless to say, it was absolutely incredible. What I wasn’t anticipating, was the negative impacts it would also have. Sometimes I was able to bring my life partner or a friend with me to events. Sometimes I was fortunate enough to be collaborating on an event with a close friend. However, the majority of the time I had to constantly leave the people I loved at home whenever I went away for work. I missed out on a lot of moments that I would have loved to have been there for.
This period of my life was a double edged sword - sometime’s it met my needs for variety, adventure and exploration, and sometimes it met my need for connection and quality time with my loved ones. However, for some time, it rarely met both. Of course through trial and error, I was eventually able to find the right balance to meet both of my needs.
The big realisation through this experience, was recognising just how important and special it is to spend time with your loved ones whenever you can. Even if all you do is something simple, or one of the average day-to-day things that always happen. It doesn’t matter - what matters is who are spending that time with.
We are constantly reminded that life is short and to live every moment. Well - in my experience, those moments are best lived with other people, specifically the people you love most.
So I finish this reflection by saying this - Make the effort to be there with those you love whenever you can. Create opportunities to enjoy time with your loved ones. Your time is limited, and so is theirs.
8. Give yourself the same respect, support, admiration, and kindness you give others.
You may have heard this phrase or one similar: “you’d rarely, if ever, say the awful things you say to yourself, to other people.”
The sad reality is, that most people are their own worst critic.
Of course what I’m about to say is easier said than done, but over the years of putting this into practice, I can say hand on heart that the benefits can be profound.
So here’s my challenge to you: Treat yourself the way that you would treat someone that you dearly love.
Treat yourself with the same levels of respect and kindness, as you would that person you love. Don’t talk yourself down, don’t verbally berate yourself. Challenge the critic. Lead with positive self talk, not negative.
congratulate and celebrate yourself, and your own successes in the same way as you would for that person you love. There’s no shame in recognising your own efforts. In the words of Rich Litvin - “It’s not bragging if it’s true, it’s not bragging if you’ve done it.” And I’m not even asking you to brag or celebrate yourself publicly to others…just to yourself.
Back yourself and your aspirations wholeheartedly in the same way that you would for that person you love. You need to believe in yourself , if you wish for others to believe in you.
9. Find your balance between the human parts of you and the divine parts of you .
This was a powerful lesson that I only truly started to comprehend recently.
For me it was found within the practice of learning to feel, have or be enough. It can through understanding the more perfectionist parts of myself.
To explain:
the human parts of you are the parts that are dealing with modern society. Having to work at specific times for specific lengths of time, developing habits, structure & scheduling, eat wise & exercise, needing to pay bills and so on
The divine parts of you are the parts that want to live fully, be free, play, eat whatever, drink whatever, do whatever you love whenever you want and so on.
The challenge we face as individuals in this modern day and age is pleasing both aspects of yourself.
There is no quick answer for this, and everyone’s perfect recipe is unique.
What I do know, is that we should be making it part of our life’s work to figure out our own unique recipe, and do whatever we can to make it reality.
You owe it to yourself to live the life that feels most fulfilling to you - you only get one go.
10. Live and love fully, and without reservation. Allow the painful moments to pass through you.
I learnt this through a lot of pain and suffering (holding on unnecessarily to habits, people, behaviours etc) that weren’t serving me. This went on for some time before I realised that I was only making the suffering worse for myself.
This opportunity for growth came as an opportunity to surrender, a practice of acceptance, forgiveness, learning and letting go.
This was recently described to me like letting arrows stick in you, rather than letting them pass through you. This reminds me of the famous quote; “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Either way it’s going to hurt - but holding on, or letting things stick in you only makes the pain last longer.
Let it go, or let it pass through. Of course, sometimes that process will take longer than we’d like, but we can choose to engage with that process. We can use it as an opportunity to grow and become a better person. We can choose to adopt the Sage perspective.
How do we do this you may be thinking?
You reflect on these questions:
“what can I learn from this experience?”
“What is this pain trying to teach me?”
“How can I use this experience to become a better person?”
Of course this will take time and practice, but it becomes easier, those hose arrows will start to pass through you more quickly, and you’ll be letting go of those coals before they have a chance to burn you!
So that’s about all for this blog…
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. I hope that some, if not all of these musings resonated with you, or will help you in some way or another
Much love,
DCM x